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31 October 2016
Public service is in our blood, as any vampire in the neighborhood could tell you. So as the small souls in costume start their wanderings tonight, we thought we would warn them about a few things they might encounter.
First, of course, are skeletons. They will be seen popping out of lawns, hanging from porches and even, perish the threat, climbing on roofs (as our photographic evidence indicates).
Don't worry about skeletons. Without muscles, they can't bite and even if they swallow you whole, you can just roll right out through their rib cage.
Ghost are, of course, another matter. The best defense against ghosts that we've found are flashlights. If you encounter a ghost, just shine a flashlight on them and they'll disappear. If they don't disappear, well, they aren't real ghosts.
Vampires usually require an adult handy with a stake. But we've found merely soliciting them for a donation to any local worthy cause is sufficient to make them take flight. They are all on fixed incomes that haven't had a cost-of-living adjustment for centuries.
That covers the chief hazards. There may be others. So to protect yourself, make sure you travel in small groups. Not much beats four of a kind. Not even a full house of spooks and goblins.